Reasons
by kathos
Summary: Everyone has their reasons
1. The Adventures of Fish and Squirrel

Title: Reasons

Author: Kathos

Rating: R for recollection of rape. Non Graphic. If you are offended or upset by this topic I suggest you don't continue.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, Just borrowing them.

A/N: Sorry if the sign language is wrong. I am going to learn, I just can't start the course till next year. This is set after PwF but before the start of the third season. I am assuming Sara has found out about the surgery. Thanks as ever go to my amazing beta Jules, have a good summer.   
  
Sara was cold; she pulled her legs closer to her chest as she sat on the step. She didn't know why she had gone to his place. She could have easily gone to the lab. But now she was there she didn't want to leave.  
  
A car pulled into the driveway, she lifted her head. The two occupants stepped out, she panicked.  
  
'Why did this always happen' she thought.  
  
Slowly and shakily she stood. Trying not to show how cold and scared she was. HE was walking towards her. It made her feel weak every time she saw him.  
  
He signed "Hello squirrel". She smiled signing "Hello fish" back. It was a little thing between them, something they could share.  
  
Catherine raised an eyebrow questioningly; she knew the sign for hello but the others were a mystery and as neither participant was forthcoming with the information she didn't intrude by asking them to explain.  
  
"You ok Sara?" Grissom asked stepping towards her. He had seen it in her eyes the moment he got out of the car. He had known there was a problem; the spark he loved was no longer there, not even a hint of it remained.  
  
She shook her head, tears dropping silently as she went to hold him. As soon as she felt his arms on her she gave in. The pain of the last few weeks gushing out in her sobs. Silently he stroked her hair not forcing her to speak, waiting till she was ready.  
  
She looked up into his eyes, those deep beautiful eyes. The tears returned; this was too hard. She glanced at Catherine, who had kept her distance after deciding it was best to leave it well alone.  
  
"Cath, I need your help" Sara said quietly. She stepped away from Grissom to pick up something out of her bag. She handed over four evidence bags, a letter in each one.  
  
"They came from Hank. I touched the first one but wore gloves opening the others." She said. Turning as she did to keep her back to Grissom. She wanted to tell him in her own time.  
  
"Sure, I'll take them to the lab. Confirm they are from him. Will you take care of Grissom?" Cath asked. Sara nodded and turned to Grissom to ask if he wanted to go in.  
  
Cath left them on the doorstep, taking the evidence with her. As she drove to the lab she wondered what Hank had written that would upset Sara so much.  
  
She bumped into Warrick and Nick on the way to trace. She debated on whether she should tell them before deciding if they were going to get to the truth she needed everyone on board.  
  
She laid out the pages on the table in trace; Greg was leaning over her shoulder so that he could read them.  
  
"So Sara's getting creepy letters, who are they from?" he asked, concern plastered all over his face. Catherine smiled at the honest emotion behind his questioning, a feeling held by the whole of the team from the look on their faces.  
  
"Yeah, she thinks it's from Hank. She's with Grissom, keeping an eye on him." Greg looked at her with one eyebrow raised.  
  
"Don't" she said not bothering to turn to look at the others sure they were sharing the same expression.  
  
She didn't even want to start thinking that, it was too weird. They were too alike, it was creepy sometimes. She never understood the almost telepathic link between them when they worked a scene, but when it came to their feelings they were oblivious.  
  
Greg sat in front of her while he worked. He was the best Lab Rat they had ever had there and he would do anything to help Sara as well. If anyone could find the evidence to help Sara it was him.  
  
The letters were all using the same handwriting, ink and paper. They were trying to find a way to get a sample of Hank's handwriting when Catherine remembered she had seen a card from him in Sara's locker. Sara had given her the combination just in case.  
  
By the time they had retrieved the sample for comparison Greg had tested all of the envelopes for saliva. They had none but there was a single print on the second letter she had received.  
  
The sample of handwriting and letters were given to their handwriting analyst. She sat down to look them over.  
  
"I can tell you now that these letters were written by two different people. The first is written by the person who wrote the sample piece but the rest are by someone who is trying to copy the first. I can tell from the way that the first is smoothly written while the others are not as smooth as if someone had to stop and start to get the form right." She stated.  
  
Catherine was startled at this. She expected them to all be from the one source and she couldn't see a difference.


	2. Knock Knock

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, Just borrowing them.  
  
A/N: Please review, critical suggestions are as ever always welcome. Thank you to all who reviewed Florigraphic conversations, I was so unsure about posting it but now I'm glad I did. Reja, rosie, nickyslover, Grissomgal2004, kmNO4, patdugan, leddy, jooliscool, Kat, Laura Katharine, Joy726, Ricker23, saturngurl123, Peggiegg, chimpy, Love of my life, TriplePirouette thank you for your words of support and suggestions.  
  
Grissom slowly brushed a strand of hair from Sara's face; she seemed to sigh gently against his chest. It took all his resolve not to hold her tighter, she needed his support not be crushed by him. She glanced up again.  
  
"Are we going in?" she signed for the second time. He smiled, it was his sly 'I know something you don't' smile.  
  
"Sara, I can hear. The swelling around the operation site went down. It worked." A smile grew on her face turning into a grin.  
  
'Oh god, she's beautiful,' he thought 'why didn't I say yes to.'  
  
That's as far as he managed to think before she pulled him closer and kissed him. His mind reeled, she was kissing him. It was too overwhelming; he put his hand on the back of her head holding her to him, knowing he couldn't lose her again.  
  
She pulled back, unsure. His cheeks were flushed as if he had been out running. He put out his hand to hold her waist, desperate not to lose her.  
  
"I thought this was what you wanted" he said. The doubt he felt clearly etched across his face. She was shaking, he stepped closer; afraid she would resist the closeness he was trying to get back just by taking that small step.  
  
"I did. I do. I'm, I'm scared you don't mean this." She looked down at this afraid of his reply. He lifted his hand to her face lifting it up as he did. She tried to look away.  
  
"Sara, I would never be as cruel as to kiss you back when I didn't mean it. And I was kissing you back." She stared back at him unable to comprehend what he was saying.  
  
"How dare you! Every time you touched, said or did something that made me believe that maybe, just maybe, I meant something to you then you stopped acknowledging me. You hurt me. I always get hurt when I'm near you." Shouting by the end she was now shaking more violently, tears pouring down her face and her fists clenched.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't realise how, how stupid I was. I mean you aren't the only one scared by how you feel." This confused her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I was scared, Sara. You know I do get scared. I was scared by how strongly I felt about you. It was too much. I thought you would never reciprocate those feelings. I thought I was imagining those moments, wishful thinking. I thought you only considered me to be a teacher, boss, colleague or maybe, at a push, a friend. And then when you asked I was afraid you would change your mind one day." At the last he let his shoulders and head drop, defeated, heart laid out bare ready for her rejection.  
  
She smiled, he was all she wanted.  
  
"You don't need to be scared, not of me." Her smile grew to a wicked grin as she reached out to kiss him, her nails scraping his forearms as she did.  
  
"Well, not very afraid anyway." He smiled and returned the kiss with one of his own, more passionate than before. She moaned softly as he held her to him. This is what she had wanted for so long.  
  
He could feel how much her movement against him was affecting him and not wanting to rush things or pressure her he moved away slightly. She looked up into his eyes at this and placed one had on the small of his back pulling him towards her. She smiled as she realised why he had pulled away.  
  
"Mmm. I could get used to this." She murmured. But Grissom moved back before she could kiss him.  
  
He turned to open the door stepping into his cool home leaving the door open so she could follow. He needed to get in or they would have ended up in a rather compromising position on his porch. He put his bag down and turned to face her. But she wasn't there, she was still outside.  
  
"You just going to stand there?" He said the amusement evident in his voice. She looked at him with one eyebrow raised. She walked towards him; taking his hand she led him to the couch.  
  
"Sit." She demanded. He wasn't in the mood for talking this over so he leaned in to kiss her.  
  
"No, SIT." Her tone was now more commanding. He was surprised at how much he was enjoying this simple show of dominance.  
  
He sat back as she stood in front of him. She carefully sat herself on his lap. Kissing him softly as she ran her hands over his chest: as he raised his hands to her back. She sighed as she lent into him resting her head on his shoulder.  
  
It was a perfectly romantic moment, but however sweet he wanted it to remain his body was having other plans. She shifted against him. She raised her head to look into his eyes one eyebrow raised. He was blushing the deepest shade of red she had ever seen.  
  
"I'm sorry." He tried to move away. She held him in place.  
  
"Why are you sorry?" She shifted against him causing him to become even more aroused. It was a relief to know that her mere presence was enough to, well, the result was obvious. She kissed him, moving as she did. Taking great delight in the slight moan that escaped his lips as she did.  
  
He felt so safe with her; the walls that usually protected him were not needed here. Never needed when he was in her presence; they were only there to protect him from those who would harm him, she would not do that he was sure of it. Her lips were so soft; he put his arms around her to pull her closer. They were happy not to say another word but be comfortable in their embrace. If it weren't for the person at the door.  
  
Sara looked up at the door, frustration at the intrusion into their new found relationship clearly painted across her face. He shifted her off his lap and she smiled at the rather large bulge her presence had caused. He blushed more brightly.  
  
"I'll go, you stay. Regain composure" she said teasingly. She went to open the door, expecting it to be Catherine or one of the guys.  
  
The door slammed into her face before she could finish opening it. She tried to think but she was already on the floor, 'When had I ended up down here?' she thought. She heard shouting, not being able to figure out what was being said she turned her head to see what was going on. Then she saw the blood, there was so much. All around where her head had been. She lifted her hand to her temple, it was wet. Blood was left on her fingers; she stared at them not fully comprehending what this meant. She looked up to where she remembered leaving Grissom; he was standing face to face with Hank. 'What was he doing here?' she thought. She tried to call out to Grissom, her voice failed and it came out as a soft whimper.  
  
He went to go to her but Hank moved in his way. He couldn't see her like this and not do anything. How could this man who had claimed to love her treat her like this?  
  
"Move out of my way. Can't you see she's hurt?" Grissom practically shouted this at Hank but he didn't appear to have heard him.  
  
Grissom took a step back, 'why is he doing that why is he not helping me? Sara thought. Then she saw something she thought she would never see again. Grissom was very angry. He had a fire in his eyes as if he could kill. He looked as though he was turning then he brought his right fist around to connect with Hank's jaw knocking him out.  
  
Grissom tied Hank up and went over to Sara. He ran a hand over her face gently trying to reassure her that it would be ok. He picked up his phone and called for an ambulance. He then called Brass and the others.  
  
He waited until the paramedics were there to tell her he was going to follow on later, she was more coherent now but she still tried to persuade him to go with her.  
  
"I need to be here to make sure we have a case against him, and to give a statement." She smiled, he always thought of everything. She looked up as the guys from night shift walked in. Smiling weekly at their concern. They came over to her side.  
  
"I ask you to take care of him and look at the trouble you get into." Catherine said a half smile on her face.  
  
"Cath! Can't you see she's hurt?" Grissom said stepping forward antagonistically.  
  
"Whoa there. She was only joking man. Hey Sara see you later." Warrick said defensively. As they took Sara away she briefly touched Grissom's hand to reassure him that there was no harm done.  
  
Grissom picked up his flight case of forensic tools; he needed to build his case against this guy.  
  
"Right this is what we are going to do. This is the first scene, I want the door printed and swabbed. When we are done here then we will go to Sara's to see if he has been there." Grissom let out a sigh after he had finished talking, he was so tired but he had to keep working.  
  
They finished at Grissom's house quickly and headed over to Sara's place.  
  
Grissom took her bedroom; he didn't want anyone else in there. Cath and Nick were outside and Warrick was in the sitting room. He looked around the room, it was quite minimalist only the essentials required. 'Yeah that's her, practical as ever.' He thought. He picked up a photo album from the shelf on the wall opposite her bed. Flicking though he saw her family, friends and then he found them. On three pages, photos of him and Sara from the whole time he had known her. 'Why had she put them all together like that?' he was trying to comprehend how long she had had feelings for him when Cath came in.  
  
"I thought I said that I was going to do in here?" he said trying to keep his tone even.  
  
"I know but I thought you ought to know we think she had a stalker, we found a spot that had been sat in for a long time. Constructed to be concealed, he wouldn't have been seen by her."  
  
"He? How did you know it was a male?"  
  
"Um, Griss we found ejaculate, sorry" she said a little awkwardly. She felt bad for him; his feelings had been brought to the surface and were threatening to boil over.  
  
"I'm going to kill him" he said practically growling, it was clear this was no idle threat.  
  
They carried on working no one talking to Grissom for fear of incurring his wrath. The drive back to the lab was similarly quite. When he had put the evidence into trace he took one piece with him as he went to see Sara at the hospital. 


	3. Diary

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, Just borrowing them.  
  
He got there just as she was waking up; she smiled as he came into the room. It lifted a weight on his heart he didn't even realise was there.  
  
"Hey, are you ok?" It was all he could think to say. She smiled; he was so sweet, so unsure of how to interact with people.  
  
"I could do with a hug." She was relieved when he walked over to sit on the bed and pulled her close so that he could hold her to him. She relaxed into his arms, she was safe here. She looked up into his eyes, and saw the anger in them. She sat up so she could face him.  
  
"What, what's wrong?" she was concerned now, she had only ever seen him this angry once before. It had not been a good thing. He looked down, unable to look at the woman he would gladly give his life for. He wished he could save her the pain this was causing her.  
  
"Griss? What's wrong? Please." She was getting more and more agitated.  
  
"He has been watching you, stalking you. Hank is not going to get away with this. I, I'll..." He looked up as he failed to find words to express the emotions surging through him. She was so fragile he thought but the look on her face convinced him otherwise.  
  
"How do you know it was him?" she asked, he was confused.  
  
"Who else is it going to be?" He didn't understand her reluctance to believe it was the man that had put her in this hospital bed.  
  
"You are the one who tells me that we have to let the evidence speak for itself. Or was that just when it's convenient to you?" He was shocked. She was right, of course. He had let his hatred of the man who had hurt her, in more ways than the obvious one, cloud his judgement.  
  
"Your right, I'm sorry. I will reserve judgement till Trace has the results of the DNA tests. I have a request to ask of you." He lifted the evidence bag he had been carrying. "I found this as we were searching you place for evidence, I didn't know you even kept a journal. I haven't read it; I wanted to ask your permission first. May I? It may help; I'd only submit it as evidence if I found something of use." He was nervous; afraid she would hate him for simply finding it or worse assume that he had already read it without her permission.  
  
"You already know most of what is in there, I just haven't elaborated on the details. I don't mind you looking at it but could you just hold off showing it to anyone else till I take a look. It's you know, personal." She was afraid what she had written about her dreams would push him away but if it would help then she was prepared for the small embarrassment this would cause. It wasn't her fault he had such a strong effect on her but her dreams had taken on a more erotic nature of late.  
  
"Hey Sara, How you feelin'?" Catherine said as she came into Sara's room. She looked tired but there was a fear in her eyes Sara didn't understand.  
  
"Hey Cath, I'm fine. Pride's a bit bruised not to say much bout my face. I'll get better. What's wrong? You ok?" Sara replied cautiously watching the looks Cath and Grissom were sharing.  
  
"It's nothing, I just. I've never seen you like this before that's all Griss. " Cath tried to avoid looking at him but was unable. He was starting to scare her, but she didn't want to cause any more anger or scare Sara.  
  
"Hey, this is not bad. I've seen him worse. It's ok, isn't it Grissom?" Sara said trying to appease both party's. Cath was unsure though, 'if this wasn't the worse he could be then how bad could bad get?' she thought. Cath's beeper went off at that moment so she couldn't further voice the concerns she felt for them both. It was the lab.  
  
"Lab," she explained, "They have the results in, you joining me?" Grissom nodded, it was all he could do. He quickly kissed Sara on the forehead, a silent promise to return passing to her. He followed Catherine, taking the black cloud he was under with him.  
  
They didn't speak during the drive back to their headquarters, their silence uncomfortable for once. They arrived as the others came in with more evidence.  
  
"Where have you been?" Grissom snapped, his nerve nearing its end. Warrick stood his ground, while Nick took the smallest step back, shaken by the ferocity of his bosses tone.  
  
"We were just at your place, trying to see if the suspect had been there. You know some try to insinuate themselves into the lives of their victims through friends." Warrick retorted. Grissom backed down at this, understanding the need to look at every possible part of this problem.  
  
"Sorry, it's just. Never mind we have results." They followed Grissom inside to Trace. He was not in the mood for Greg's usual attitude today and they hoped he knew it.  
  
Greg handed the paper with the result on it to Grissom as soon as he walked into the lab. He read it, his face going even paler than it already was, he sat down suddenly. Shaking as he did.  
  
"What is it?" Cath asked, concerned. He just stared blankly forward. Cath took the paper out of his hand. Reading it aloud.  
  
"DNA is a match to an Adam Matthews, Hank is not the stalker. The prints on one of the envelopes are also this Adam guy. So who is this guy?" Grissom left the room without a word and retrieved Adam Matthews' file from his office handing it to Catherine.  
  
"He has some priors. Assault, attempted rape and, whoa! GBH and rape of his girlfriend, Sara Sidle. Griss you knew about this?" She couldn't believe what she had read. "What happened?"  
  
"I can't." And with that he just walked out. 


	4. Nightmares

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, Just borrowing them.

A/N: This chapter contains a description of a rape, if this is likely to cause upset do not continue. I mean no offence to those who have been victim to this crime in the way I deal with this event in the characters life.  
  
Sara couldn't sleep; she just kept tossing and turning. Her face hurt as did her ribs and her back. She wasn't going to get much sleep even though she really needed it. But somehow slowly sleep claimed her.  
  
"NO!" she screamed, it was happening again. He was on her, pinning her down, hitting her to stop her screaming.  
  
"Shut up, stupid bitch. Thought you could get away did you? Well you can't, you're not strong enough for that." He lent to her ear to whisper the last of this. That's when he realised. "Where have you been? Answer me. Have you been to him again? You slut, your mine. Don't you see that? He can never have you." Sara smiled at this, I might as well say it she thought, she leaned up to him and spit out, emphasising each word.  
  
"He already has" It was a mistake she realised it as soon as she said it. He brought his fist down again, and again and again. He started to rip her clothes off.  
  
"Well I'm going to take you back." Sara's eyes were wide with fear now. He couldn't, she wasn't his anymore. She screamed once more before it all went black.  
  
Sara woke up screaming, tears running down her face. She opened her eyes to find Cath and Grissom in her room; she jumped not expecting them there. She pulled her legs up to her chest and wept, she felt Grissom's arms around her. He was whispering words of comfort to her, but she couldn't hear them. All she heard were the screams of all the other battered women who hadn't managed to get away that she had seen at work, mixed with all of her own.  
  
They couldn't take seeing her in pain like this; it was as if they had all been torn apart inside. Slowly her sobbing slowed and she could look up.  
  
"Thank you" She said to Grissom, "I know what you did, Griss." Grissom was unsure as to what she meant but assumed it had to be the only secret he kept from her.  
  
"How could I not," he stroked a strand of hair from her eyes, "He, I couldn't let him hurt you anymore." Cath looked confused; Sara didn't understand she thought he had told her.  
  
"She doesn't know?" Grissom shook his head.  
  
"It wasn't my place to tell her what happened. I thought you might, I don't know. Do you want me to tell her?" She shook her head at this.  
  
"No, I can tell her, it's just bad dreams now Griss." She was sure now she had to tell Cath the whole truth now. The worst parts were the dreams now, they seemed so real. She hated him but she no longer blamed herself.  
  
"I wasn't that strong," Grissom went to interrupt, "No, Griss no interruptions. I let a guy in and he took over. He made me feel like I couldn't survive without him. To everyone on the outside we were the perfect couple. He made out like he was so good to me, while he hit me if I made the slightest mistake. He made me feel like I was deserving of the beatings. Then I met someone who changed my life," She smiled at Grissom, who had his head hung down so he was looking at their entwined fingers.  
  
"I went to Griss's seminar and he saw through it. We had only talked that morning but he knew. We continued to meet, I had to lie saying that I was at the library studying. One time Griss went to tell him to back off, treat me better. It just got worse and now he knew that I had lied about where I was. He started to follow me everywhere. Then one time I knew I just couldn't go on, I went to see Griss. He, he looked after me. I decided to leave Adam, save myself from anymore pain. He should have been out when I got back so I told Griss not to go with me. I was packing when he grabbed me, he hadn't left he had just waited till I was distracted enough. He beat me, then when he realised where I had been. He said he wanted to reclaim me as his." The tears started to fall again.  
  
"He beat me till I fell unconscious and then he raped me. I woke up three weeks later. I don't remember some of it, apparently I somehow hit him and he was in a coma since." She was shaking but glad that Cath knew why she acted as she did around certain cases. She didn't want her pity, she was stronger now she could deal with her life, what she wanted was to find out what was going on why this was so important for her to know. Then it dawned on her.  
  
"It was him, outside my house, he's back" Sara said, panic rising in her voice. Grissom held her hand tighter trying to reassure her that it was going to be alright, that somehow he would make it ok. This time he was there for her.  
  
"I'm sorry," Gil could barely get the words out, the emotions too strong, "I don't know when he woke up they should have notified you, the restraining order still stands. I don't know why they didn't. He won't get near you again."  
  
"That's what you said last time." She looked into his eyes and saw the terrible pain she had just caused him.  
  
"Oh god, Grissom. I'm sorry I didn't mean that." He just got up, smiled weakly and went outside her hospital room. It took all his strength not to fall apart in front of her. He fell to sit against the wall. He couldn't bare it if she blamed him. 'Why wouldn't she,' he thought, 'it was my fault.' He began to cry, the tears falling silently down his face, as they had a million times before as he contemplated the worst mistake of his life; letting her go in there alone.  
  
She came out of the room the blankets wrapped around her, sat next to him and wrapped her arms around him. Holding him she lent her head against his chest. It was ok she didn't hate him; his world was complete for a little longer.  
  
They sat there until Cath came out; she had been paged by Greg. He had completed the tests they needed to obtain a warrant. They were to verify the results he had obtained earlier that day and to test against any other cases in the weeks since Adam had woken up.  
  
They returned to the lab to find Greg looking worse than ever, they were pretty sure he hadn't slept since this had started. He sat down in the lounge a cup of his special coffee, the stuff he kept hidden from day shift. He was surprised to see Sara but the neurological exams had shown she only had no concussion so she was let out on the proviso that she did no work for a week.  
  
He looked up at them, but avoided Sara's gaze completely. He held a report file up to give to Grissom. It was quite thick; he sat down and leafed through it.  
  
"Greg, these are the files on ten cases from the past month. Why are you giving me these?" Griss asked.  
  
"His fingerprints were a match to these cases all after the date he was released from the hospital. The partials weren't enough to send through AFIS but with a suspect it was simpler. Sara I," He started, but couldn't finish. He hung his head and left the room, he couldn't say it. It just seemed too trite.  
  
Grissom went through each of the files in turn. Then he ran to get Greg. Shouting at him as he went.  
  
"Greg, these attacks are all the second with the same MO. Did the prints match the first and any other attacks with the same MO?" He was looking very confused, and then it dawned on him.  
  
"Oh God! He copied the MO to be close to her, she was on all of these cases. That way he knew they were going to touch the same things. He's sick." Grissom nodded solemnly at this.  
  
He turned and returned to the lounge where the rest of the night shift was waiting for him. He sat next to Sara on the couch, holding her hand.  
  
"He has been copying MO's of cases Sara was on. He tried to insinuate himself in your life by becoming part of your cases." Sara looked shocked at this; though there was DNA at the first attacks but not the second. She hadn't thought for a second that he was responsible.  
  
"So the second attacks had partials but the first didn't and the cases didn't cross reference." She asked  
  
"No." Greg replied a bit defeated, he felt he had failed her. "The partials were all different fingers, or different parts of fingers. There was no correlation till we had something to compare it to."


End file.
